I have been reading the book Getting Anger Under Control by Neil Anderson this past week. In this book he says we have a problem in the church that is rampant and debilitating. He says that almost without exception each person is having problems with this issue.
The problem he describes is unresolved anger.
I want to read a personal story from the book of a man struggling with unresolved anger that I think is probably very common and many of you may be able to relate to.
“I have struggled with anger all my life, since I was a little boy. My peers always picked on me and my dad constantly criticized everything I did. I have come a long way. However it seems that there is still some stronghold in my mind over this area. I get really upset if I am mistreated or disrespected by people, especially family members. I don’t hold on to grudges for as long as I used to, but there still appears to be some block in the process of forgiveness. I react so quickly with outbursts of anger that I don’t even realize where they come from or the reason behind them. My wife tells me if I’m mad to “get happy”, as if we have direct control over our feelings like that. I know that the problem is in my mind, but the negative thoughts appear to be so buried that I don’t even know they are there. Pray that God would reveal root causes of this bondage to me.”
We all know what anger is, and we’ve all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Let me first say that it is not a sin to experience anger. I think one of the problems when we talk about anger is that we focus our sights on the wrong problem.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, God given human emotion. In fact anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or motivate you to find solutions to problems. Even God gets angry. In Scripture we see times where He expresses a righteous anger.
But for us when it gets out of control, and turns destructive, it becomes sinful. It can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.
It is also often difficult to get at the root causes for a lot of our anger.
Do you ever wonder why you get angry?
Here are some things that can make you angry:
- You see injustice happening in life
- Life is not going your way
- You are not getting what we want
- You feel trapped or controlled – If I am angry because I feel trapped or controlled in a relationship, I am going to express that anger-somewhere, somehow. Unresolved anger will find a victim. It may be toward the controller, an innocent bystander, wife, the kids, the dog, or myself. If I am struggling with anger over guilt in my own life and am not willing to take it to the cross, then I am a prime candidate for angrily blaming others.
- Events from your childhood – The closer the relationship, the more painful the wounding and the greater potential for anger. CS Lewis said – Anger is the fluid that love bleeds when you cut it.
- Blocked goals
- Trials or difficulties in your life can produce anger
- Someone has wronged or mistreated you or mistreated someone you care about.
Anger can be a manifestation of deeper issues that have never been resolved in Christ – rejection, guilt, shame, fear, embarrassment, confusion, frustration, humiliation, failure, feeling trapped, used, controlled, betrayed, or misunderstood.
Here are some common lies that we often believe that can result in angry attitudes and behaviors.
- I can’t do anything right
- I am a failure
- I will never amount to anything
- I have no talents, gifts, or anything to offer
- I don’t fit in
- I am on my own in this world
- God will not defend me
- God has forgotten me
- I cannot trust anyone
- I cannot be free
- There’s no hope for me
- The Christian life doesn’t work for me
- I must never show weakness or let others beat me
- I must control others to feel safe
- I must perform to a certain level in order to feel good about myself
If we have believed these lies, they can cause angry attitudes and behavior.
So what do we do when we get angry?
Initially many of us have learned coping strategies or defense mechanisms. We can use
- Criticism
- Deflection
- Suppression
- Defensiveness
- Escapism
It is characteristic of the human soul to try and rid itself of pain. Some may turn to alcohol, drugs, or pornography to escape.
There are some typical fleshly patterns that Neil Anderson describes that we can fall into when we experience anger. See if you can identify with any of these.
- The Anger Exploder – They are like active volcanoes. There is always the threat of eruption. They express anger too freely and are capable of doing great damage to others. They erupt at the slightest provocation.
- The Anger Avoider – They’re scared of losing control if they get mad, or letting out the monster inside of them. People who are anger avoiders try to keep the peace at all costs. They want to be known as nice people. They feel very uncomfortable around anger and so will appease and accommodate whenever possible. The anger avoider has to recognize however that anger avoidance is a fleshly means of coping with the fear of anger, confrontation, disapproval, and rejection.
- The Grump – though not the scariest person to live with, they may exhibit the most annoying style of anger of them all. They have a truck load of complaints, griping and fuming. The grump seems only to be happy when unhappy. If things are going well the grump quickly recalls a time when things were not, totally convinced that bad times lie just ahead. Angry, griping pessimism has become his shield against further pain. A grump will worsen with age. It will most likely produce a cynical, sarcastic, bitter person.
- The Critical Perfectionist – They struggle to live up to unrealistic and unkind personal standards and expectations, this person feels like a failure. The baffling reality of such individuals is that the rest of the world is usually amazed at how much they accomplish and how well they do it. They battle with shame and self loathing. They unconsciously act out on the principle, “Since I feel bad, at least I can drag others down with me.” And they are capable of uttering cruel, cutting, sarcastic, and destructive words. They will always find something wrong.
- The Anger Sneak or Passive Aggressive – You could also call this person the anger sneak. They can be angry without having to admit it. They never attack directly only indirectly and cowardly. They have an end around rather than direct approach to expressing anger. They frustrate others by subtle sabotage. They can’t be accused of aggression. Anger sneaks despise being told what to do. They hate being bothered, directed, or guided by anyone else. They just want to be left alone, and they are upset with anyone who disturbs the peace. The smug sense of superiority that grows out of having outwitted his opponent gives the anger sneak a feeling of power.
Those are a few of the fleshly patterns of anger we may have see in our own lives or in the lives of those around us.
The Bible deals with this issue of anger and there is a powerful passage that talks about how we should deal with it.
Ephesians 4:26-27
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
Unfortunately, the reality in the world is that tonight the sun will set on the unresolved anger of millions of people. This anger will poison the soul of many people, especially men.
Notice the text doesn’t say don’t ever be angry. That isn’t realistic. Anger will never completely disappear from our lives this side of heaven. Nor should it. There is a time and place for anger under control.
So When is anger a sin?
Anger is a sin when it becomes wrath or rage or fleshly hostility. Or when it has become a controlling force that will cause us to behave wrongly.
Allowing anger to fester and boil within our heart is the same as letting the sun go down on our anger which gives the devil an opportunity to operate his divide and conquer and search and destroy mission. You give up turf and give the devil a foothold in your life when anger becomes sinful.
Unresolved and uncontrolled fleshly anger is the master of a defeated life. As Christ followers it simply isn’t fitting.
Outbursts of rage or fits of anger are deeds of the flesh and the new testatment tells us to get rid of all rage and all anger of this type. Although anger is a natural human emotion, it is clear as followers of Christ that we have no business harboring fleshly anger in our hearts.
How should we handle anger so that we don’t sin?
You can be angry and not sin by expressing your anger in an assertive and non aggressive way.
To be assertive means we need to get beyond anger management, which is merely a means of keeping ones anger from erupting in behavior destructive to self or others.
The goal is to resolve the personal and spiritual issues behind the anger and discover the fruit of the Spirit which is love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.
Be assertive with God first. You may not be able to determine what is the root cause by yourself when you are angry. Ask God to give you clarity for why you are angry. You may not know.
Ask God to search you.
Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
When we ask God to search our hearts and reveal the source of our anger we ask him to show us what we need to do next. Seek forgiveness. Confront someone. Talk to the person who has wronged us directly. Once you know you can take the next step as God leads you.
To be assertive also means we have to develop threshold thinking. As soon as a thought steps into the door of our mind, we must take that thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
We want to filter it and decide what to do with it. This takes self control which is a fruit of the spirit and part of living the spirit filled life. Later in Ephesians Paul exhorts believers to be filled with the spirit. We have to put off our old self and put on our new self. This is an event that has already taken place as followers of Christ. We must bring our behavior in line with our new identity.
To be assertive means we don’t suppress it or ignore it. It will find a way out. When it comes to anger we need to function like a conduit not a container. We need to let it flow through us and not hold on to it.
If we suppress it, it becomes unresolved anger. So, avoid being passive but also avoid being aggressive.
Being assertive means you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others.
Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Rather than assuming someone can read your mind, you express how you feel and ask clearly and directly for what you want.
Here are some situations in which people can be assertive with their anger
- An overworked church member or employee can politely but firmly say no to a request to do even more projects.
- A parent can state guidelines for discipline without resorting to debate or demeaning the child.
- Spouses can talk about their differences, offering helpful suggestions without raising their voices or repeating their message incessantly.
So we can be be angry and not sin by being assertive. But we have to deal with it promptly. Paul says don’t let the sun go down on your anger. If it stays in us and unresolved it poisons our soul.
Jesus told us in the Lord’s prayer to ask for forgiveness if our debts as we forgive our debtors. We need to daily check and ask God to search our hearts to identify any unresolved anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness we may be harboring. We need confess it and seek forgiveness when needed.
When we do this anger becomes our servant instead of us becoming a slave to it. We can live a liberated life in Christ as our minds are constantly being renewed.
